““Therefore my anxious thoughts make me answer, Because of the turmoil within me.”
Job 20:2 NKJV
““In truth, my troubled thoughts urge me to answer because of my feelings within me.”
Job 20:2 TLV
I want to turn my attention to the reply of one of Job’s friends, Zophar. He prefaces his comments by saying that he is speaking as a result of anxious, troubled thoughts.
I don’t think English does this passage justice. The Hebrew words give a little deeper understanding- from a divided, opinionated mind, Zophar spoke hastily.
Have you ever “listened” to a someone telling you a story and you felt anxious or hurried to add your comment – worried you may forget it? Maybe tapping your foot or drumming your finger against your leg trying to hurry up the point of the story? Have you ever “flown off the handle” at someone? That was Zophar.
Hurry. Up. Job! I have something to say!
We know the end of the story – that Job’s friends gave terrible advice and G-d told them so. Could part of the issue be that they simply didn’t listen – truly listen – to Job’s heart? Could it be they were so uncomfortable with what Job was going through that they wanted him to hurry up and get over it? Could it be they were afraid of being like Job?
To “listen” by definition is to actively pay close attention to sound, to hear with thoughtful attention, to give careful consideration, and to be alert to catch an unexpected sound. They didn’t hear Job’s grief and anguish of feeling abandoned by G-d. Instead, it appears that they were focused on trying to convince Job to consider their point of view that they didn’t give careful consideration to both what was said and unsaid.
When emotions are stirred up and anxiety rises, the blood in our brains rushes away from the prefrontal cortex – the front, rational part of our brain- to the “flight or fight” center – the amygdala – and we can’t think straight or rationally! When we respond in the heat of the moment, we are responding from the flight or fight center – not a place of reason. I have a whole workshop / teaching on this so I won’t bore you with the details here (holler if you want to know more!) but the point is this: if your heart and mind are not at peace – DO NOT SPEAK. In other words, ZIP IT ZOPHAR!
Wounds from words are invisible, but just like internal bleeding will kill you if left undetected and untreated, wounds from words harshly spoken will slowly, but surely, kill relationships.
When we were first married, my husband would ask me if I wanted 5 minutes or 10 minutes when we had an argument. I know – shocking that I would argue!! While frustrating at the time, there was incredible wisdom in it.
When you feel triggered and are tempted to respond in haste to something a child, colleague, or loved one is telling you – especially if anger is involved – I strongly encourage you to just stop. Take a break. Ask to reconvene in a few minutes. Then, take that time to seek G-d. Ask Him how He would have you respond. Ask Him what you can do to bring reconciliation and unity.
That said, you can’t and shouldn’t walk away from every hard conversation. Research shows 3 deep breaths is often enough to “cool off” the brain and allow the blood to return to the front of the brain, so, if nothing else, pause and breath slowly.
When you feel triggered and get that hot flash of anger, 99.99% of the time it’s about you – not the other person. I’m responsible for me and my responses. I don’t want to keep digging in the sewer and slinging crap from my past onto present relationships. Instead, I want to love them like I’ve been loved, forgiven like I’ve been forgiven. Give them the same grace and new mercies He gave me for today. Then, when I’m alone, I take my trigger moments to G-d and ask Him what that was about, what do I still need Him to heal, and invite Him to speak Truth to my pain. Iron sharpens iron, they’re just pointing me to Him.
Proverbs teaches that even a wise man holds back his temper and even a fool looks wise when he is silent (17:28, 29:11).
The power of life and death in the tongue. What will I be today, a killer or a builder of life?
Father – forgive me where I’ve listened with my own agenda. Forgive me where I’ve wounded my children and husband whom You created and love – with words spoken in haste. Heal my heart so that I may not cause pain. Amen.