January 12, 2020
Just One Step
I have been silent since April in more ways than one. The effects of the vocal trauma I experienced in November 2018 continue to linger – my voice is deeper and much quieter. The effort it takes to speak and the pain that follows is something I still don’t understand and makes me, as an introvert, more reserved than ever. Even my doctor and the other specialists I’ve seen are at a loss. Most of 2019 was like walking through a valley of quicksand as I navigated the pain, adjusted to my new “voice,” and searched for solutions so I finally stopped and gave up. I withdrew from most and quietly sank into a deep depression. The chronic pain feels overwhelming at times and truthfully I did not realize until the journey of vocal injury how much my voice defined me. Even as we entered 2020 I wondered how I could continue with the heavy weight of depression I have felt over the vocal trauma.
I would love to say I drew close to God during the process and while there were moments of closeness, I withdrew from Him too. The hardest part of the vocal trauma has been the inability to sing. I used to sing all.the.time – on the way to work I would belt out worship songs at the top of my lungs. I sat in the hallway and worshipped my kids to sleep for years. I sang the Shabbat blessing with Alathia. I sang with Randal when he first led worship at LifeChurch Emerald Run. We would sing a blessing as a family several times a week and my heart swelled at the sound of the harmony. We sang together as a family at my great uncle’s funeral. We sang harmony in the car together. I sang loud in church.
When I first realized I couldn’t sing I thought it was a cold – then the cold didn’t go away. Over a few weeks, I stopped trying because the pain I felt following any attempt to sing left me miserable.
Then, others started to notice – starting with my dad. More and more people started to ask if I was sick – since it took too much energy and pain to explain, I would smile and simply respond, “Yes, something like that.”
So I gave up – I no longer even tried to sing.
But worship – I am and have been so very lost when I try to worship. If I cannot sing to express myself, what can I do?
But God ….
Though my voice has not improved, I finally feel the fog has lifted and it started with just one step – I opened my Bible.
Like most, I kicked off my new year with page one of my One Year Bible – I do it every year and stop when I fall behind a few months later and don’t pick it up again until January – my theory being I failed so what’s the point.
This year, I decided to keep a copy in my office and so far, I like the quiet morning up on the 7th floor watching the sunrise and having my quiet time before the workday commences. A few days ago I read something in the story of Noah that I’ve read countless times and it jumped off the page to me so I read it three more times:
But Noah found favor with the Lord. This is the account of Noah and his family. Noah was a righteous man, the only blameless person living on earth at the time, and he walked in close fellowship with God.
Genesis 6:8-9
Noah walked in close fellowship with God – In the Hebrew, the word for walked in this passage is “Halak” and one of the definitions of “Halak” was to continually converse with someone – like an ongoing, non stop dialogue. As I meditated on this, I realized that not only had I withheld my voice and words from family and friends due to the pain – I withheld my words from God too. Prior to the trauma I spoke and sang my prayers…
Slowly my words became few.
Then silence.
I was struck with a thought about Noah. God asked Noah to do something OUTRAGEOUS and he obeyed. Continually conversing proceeded the outrageous faith required to fulfill an outrageous ask.
God has put an outrageous ask before me – to speak. To tell my stories. To declare His goodness. To share things He has put in my heart. I long to minister to women, moms, and leaders. I envision weaving in prophetic ministry and inner healing. It’s been a dream and desire in my heart for years and today, the dream seems impossible.
So today, I pick up the “pen” again and begin to prepare. A friend prophesied over me years ago that I would have the pen of a ready writer. Today I dip the quill in the ink and will begin to pour out what God is putting in my heart. I believe He will heal me. My doctor told me last week he is “at a loss” and can no longer help. I’ve tried massage, specialists, voice therapists, oils, medicine, and chiropractors. Many have prayed for my healing. So now I will wait and prepare in faith for the release that will come.
I will begin again to continually converse with the One who knows my heart best and find my solace through my pen.
~mlp
