“It is better to trust in the Lord Than to put confidence in man.”
Psalms 118:8 NKJV
I had a bit of a pity party the last few days. I’ve been doing mental gymnastics about a few things, wrestling over past decisions that led us to the place we are today, and I am exhausted.
One of the things I’ve wrestled with the most is graduation day. Maybe all parents feel it – but lately I’ve been plagued with fear, questions, and doubts – have I done enough for Randal and Alathia? Will they hate me when they are adults because they didn’t walk the stage or go to prom? Will they be angry at me when they look back and realize the cost of so many moves in their lifetime – specifically the lack of close, lifelong friends? Will they – do they – think I am a bad mother? Will I – have I been – “good enough”?
And there it is – the root of the mental tumbling – the “good enough” lie. It’s something I’ve heard my entire life in my head “you’ll never be good enough – you’ll never amount to anything” – words first spoken over me by a doctor and his residents when I was 2 years old, ravaged with spinal meningitis and not expected to live. My mom has verified the memory I have of 3 men standing at the end of the bed, one holding a silver clipboard and looking pensive as he commented it would be better if I didn’t wake up because I “would never amount to anything”. That little lie embedded itself in my young, innocent mind and took root. It’s why rejection hurts so bad and why I constantly worry about measuring up.
The lie has colored so many things in my life -and you know what? I by myself will never amount to anything – but WITH G-d, IN G-d, and THROUGH G-d, I DO amount to something. I am chosen and loved. I am His daughter. I have a future. I have a hope.
As I shared my fears about education, fear over traumatizing my kids because they never walked the stage or Alathia didn’t get to experience prom, Vance reminded me of our vision: to raise children who were passionate worshipers of G-d and pursed Him on their own. We talked about who and what I was measuring our “success” by. We discussed our regrets and mistakes as parents. And – we settled on this: do we trust G-d to workout His plan for Randal and Alathia or don’t we? We’ve certainly failed in many things – but His mercy is greater. Our kids DO love Jesus. They DO worship and pursue Him on their own. And that was what we want more than anything else.
Each of us have different journeys – the key is to walk the one we’ve been called to, obediently taking the steps He’s laid out for us, looking straight ahead and not to the left or the right at someone else’s. It’s better to trust in Him than in anything else. He knows the way if I’ll just follow.
Father – thank You for Your peace. G-d, be merciful where I’ve failed Randal and Alathia. Heal wounds caused by my brokenness. Lead them. Be their Father. Capture their hearts. You are good. Your leadership in my life is perfect and You can be trusted. Amen.
Daily Reading: Psalms 111-118
May 28, 2022