““Vanity of vanities,” says the Preacher, “All is vanity.”

‭‭Ecclesiastes‬ ‭12:8 ‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

I feel this verse in my bones. I read Ecclesiastes through the lens of my life at the moment. 

Why do I work so hard?

Why do I wake up at 4:30am?

Why am I writing?

Why do I care about my health?

Why did we homeschool?

Why am I driving an hour each way for church?

Why did we come home to Texas? 

Why for so much more … just why. What’s the point in all of this? 

It’s so easy to get lost in the why’s. I don’t know if it’s because I turned 50 or because my two children are transitioning to adulthood – but  deep within has been an unsettling and a questioning – why. Why does this matter? I feel so much has been wasted, and I struggle to not get lost in a sea of regret. I wonder at the meaning of it all and feel, like Solomon, that so much is meaningless. It’s not a pity party – it’s a deep questioning within me. 

And beneath the noise, in the quiet, I find solace in this verse: 

“Let us hear the conclusion of the whole matter: Fear God and keep His commandments, For this is man’s all.”

‭‭Ecclesiastes‬ ‭12:13 NKJV‬‬

I don’t really know why G-d put me on this earth. I should have died at 2 and used to be angry I survived. But alas – He saved me for this time and this place in His grand design. So instead of trying to figure out the why, perhaps I’ll just rest in the what, for the who: Fear G-d and keep His commandments. 

He doesn’t need us – not really. But He wants us. And that has to be enough. 

Father – I don’t know the source of this restlessness. Perhaps it’s just a human experience. Even Jesus wanted the cup to pass Him – but He knew His destiny. I don’t know how to navigate this season. Please guide me. You are good and You keep doing good. Your leadership in my life is perfect and You can be trusted. Amen. 

Daily Reading: Ecclesiastes 7-12

June 20, 2022