As we headed off to our “trip of a lifetime” – which for us was a journey to Israel with our spiritual parents – I had a strange sense of foreboding I determined was just me being a worrier. I decided it was just anxiety about leaving my two most valuable possessions at home – Jr and AJ. Our flight was cancelled then changed which would have put us in much later than our group so we changed it to arrive earlier.
At dinner on our first night, our spiritual father, Pastor Olen, shared a story of Paul “hurrying” to be at Jerusalem, if possible, on the Day of Pentecost (Acts 20:16) and this particular journey included a ship that had cargo to be unloaded. Pastor Olen made the point that often before we have an “encounter” with God, we have to first “unpack” what’s in our hearts in order to make room. We need to leave behind things of the past in order to make room for an encounter with Him – the type the followers of Yeshua had in Acts 2 when the believers were filled with the Holy Spirit. He admonished us to seek the Lord that night and ask Him to reveal what we needed to unpack in our hearts so we were ready for our “Pentecost” moment this week.
As I prayed and pondered the story of Paul, God began to speak to me Proverbs 13:12, “Hope deferred makes the heart sick but when the desire comes it is a tree of life.”
Hope deferred …. Heart sick …. These words were like bells going off in my spirit. I read the verse in every version available on my Bible app when I happened upon one version that seemed to scream at me. I knew God was onto something and was trying to speak to me. The Message Bible says it this way …. Unrelenting disappointment leaves you heart sick but a sudden good break can turn life around.
Unrelenting disappointment …
Disappointment is a sure bet – much like death and taxes. It is easily attainable and almost impossible to avoid. People disappoint. Things disappoint. Dreams disappoint. Situations disappoint. Disappointment is all around us and is no respecter of persons. It is one thing everyone has in common. Everyone at some point has been disappointed at someone or something.
Then there’s disappointment that just won’t stop. It is unrelenting. In Hebrew, the word for “deferred” in Proverbs 13:21 is “mashak”. While there are a variety of applications of this word, the concept is that of being prolonged and drawn out, prolonged, or delayed over an extended time. Solomon is not talking about a single disappointment – he is talking about an ongoing, drawn out, prolonged type of missing the mark that leaves one disappointed.
By definition, to “disappoint” means to fail to fulfill the desires of another or to prevent hopes from being realized. Some synonyms for “disappoint” are depressed, upset, thwart, complain, defeated, unhappy, shot down, crestfallen, despondent, upset discouraged, distressed, dissatisfied, downcast.
My mind was immediately flooded with memories of disappointing moments and thoughts of people that have disappointed me from as far back as I could remember. It was consuming and agonizing. As my mind replayed some of these things, God began to speak to me. I knew He wanted me to ‘unpack’ my cargo of disappointments.
I let my mind drift to various memories and asked God to speak to me in the memory. I repented and asked for help in letting go. The Lord began to bring to mind people in the Bible that experienced disappointment. Joseph – he had to be disappointed to end up in a well after those really spiritual dreams. David – surely he was disappointed when Saul wanted to kill him. Martha – she sounded a little disappointed in her sister chose to sit at the feet of Jesus and not prepare for the feast. He began to speak to me about strategies to overcome disappointment and I thought to myself – I should write about that! I even grabbed my phone and started writing! This conversation when on with me and the Lord until almost 3am.
Little did I know what was happening in the room next to mine while at the same time.
While He was still speaking to me, my spiritual parents and mentors, Pastor Olen and Syble, were getting the call that out of an abundance of caution, they needed to come home immediately due to COVID-19.
Hours later, I would come face to face with what God wanted to unpack in my heart so He had room to move – disappointment – for them and for those staying behind on this trip of a lifetime.
I knew in that moment because God had met me the night before that I had a choice in how to respond. Would I add it to my mental list or would I press into the place in my heart and mind that held onto a lifetime of disappointments and unpack them? Would I make room for God or would I move Him aside in order to make room for one more disappointment?
In that moment, I made one simple step – I prayed over them (hence the puffy face in this photo). This week I head into the Land and fully expect my “Pentecost” moment. My next few blogs will be about this trip and my journey of unpacking and discovering what He has in store. Join me if you dare and maybe together we can make more room for Him and as we do, we will crowd out disappointments and maybe even fear.
~Marci